Vulnerability and Self Doubt

There are many artists in my life, people that I love dearly. One of them, a professional in their craft, recently told me a story about meeting a younger person who claimed to have similar aspirations for advancing professionally in their artform. The acclaimed aspirer eventually told my loved one that they felt publishing solo work was self-indulgent.

It was immediately apparent to me that the aspirer would likely never persevere in what they thought they wanted, and their failure would be the result of their own shallow perspective.

The easiest reason to stop writing publicly, like I’m doing right now with these words, would be out of fear, fear that all people are like the fake aspirer. “Isn’t it self-indulgent to think people will want to read your public journal?” It would be self-indulgent to believe that I have some insight that the world needs to implement – I don’t. I write for the same reason my loved one publishes solo work – because I feel like it. We create because we enjoy the process of creating.

Public vulnerability requires courage and motivation.

The sort of vulnerability that I hesitate to show feels less related to self-doubt and more related to the influence others have over my experiences. I love working as an aerospace engineer, and of course many people could decide to provide me with or revoke varying opportunities to advance within the organization. I know the perspectives that I hold dearest come from those that will support my endeavors, and I believe in myself.

An event critical to my advancements in making the most of every moment available to me was deciding that at a bare minimum, I’m a unique individual – not special, just unique. Everybody is. There are no two people with the same experiences, therefore, any one person has the potential to come up with a good idea.

I have strong confidence in two ideas that I actively shape little by little every day. The first is my nonprofit – Exist With Initiative – a nonprofit that empowers people facing mental health challenges to embrace the fullness of the human experience. The second is a novel that has a high likelihood of going nowhere. These two projects barely touch on the work I am aching to do in this life, which is why I am pulling back the frequency of these digital journal entries from 3-4 times per week to once every Wednesday.